i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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