so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
