she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
