After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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