I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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