There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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