Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
