Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
