please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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