I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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