I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
