what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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