I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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