there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
