You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
