haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Drunk is a universal language darling
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
