Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize