i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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