Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
