Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
