i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
