Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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