you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
