can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He has the fingertips of a God
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