my phone needs a breathalizer
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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