listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
