Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
