I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
