dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
