A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I FOUND THE LEGS
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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