yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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