Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
