You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
