she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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