I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
