Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
