if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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