how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
