I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Found the puke drawer
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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