She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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