I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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