Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
