made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
