the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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