I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
