I didn't shave. On purpose
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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