I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I touched a dick in church today
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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