my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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