Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
