My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
