sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
