3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There's always time for handjobs
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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