I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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