i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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