Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
