so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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