i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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