Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
