now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
