You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
