It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You need a sexual gate keeper
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
