Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
