I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
